Chasing Cars
by djinthebackyardparty
Summary: "I need your grace, to remind me to find my own. All that I am, all that I ever was; is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see."
1. Chapter 1

_I remember like it was today, our first date. _Kendall shifted in bed, staring at the ceiling, he closed his eyes again, waiting for the rush of memories to flow trough his mind, like every night. _I watched her crossing the street to meet me at the coffee house, how her smile brightened up my day just like that, how she sat across from me on the small table, how we talked about everything we could possibly remember, how beautiful she was. How beautiful she still is. _Kendall sat up, a tear escaping his eyes and he quickly wiped them away, he walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. "These things have got to stop." He said with a sigh.

Kendall walked to the living room and sat on the couch, turning the TV on and flipping trough the channels, hoping he'd find something to take his mind out of that for a while, to take his mind out of her, for a change. He found some old cartoons and decided to go with it, it could've been seconds, minutes or hours, but he woke up to the feeling of her fingertips on his arms, to the feeling of her lips on his, her warm, inviting lips that would always make him want more, he opened his eyes with a smile, hoping he'd see her there. No such luck, it was just one of the many awfully realistic dreams he had. "Dammit." He got up and walked to the bathroom, not bothering to turn the lights on, he hated doing this, he hated being so submissive to mere memories, he didn't want to see it, sitting on the floor silently, he searched for the razor he'd hide under the math in an earlier occasion, and there he was, doing it all over again, a tear dropped to his cheek on the image of him swearing so many time this was the last time, that he'd stop, but the thing is; he couldn't stop, it was the only thing that made him feel better, he chuckled a sob at the thought of the better word, the fact is, nothing could make him better. He watched the blood dropping from his thigh to the plain white floor, the tears started rushing faster, his vision getting blurrier, he was getting dizzy, but the most upsetting thing was, he didn't care, all he wanted was to go, go away for this house, from this city, from this world. He made another cut, but now on his left wrist, he sobbed quietly, and dropped the razor to the floor, leaning his head on the wall, he cried, until he couldn't remember anymore.

"_Come get me big boy!" She yelled between laughs, running to the water, they'd rent a house at the beach to spend the week, just the two of them. Kendall quickly ran after her, laughing and yelling for the whole word to hear, he just couldn't care less. She dived in the water and disappeared, Kendall looked around and sauntered deeper into the dark blue water, she appeared behind him and jumped on his back with a laugh, he stumbled a little but kept his balance._

"_Got ya." He said, turning his head softly to the side, and she chuckled, the sound of her voice in his ear going straight to his heart. "Come here," He said and she jumped off his back standing in front of him, he placed his hands gently on either sides of her waist, pulling her closer. "I...I'm in love with you." He admitted shyly, but keeping his eyes on hers. He could see her expression change, her eyes gaining a new sparkle, she tried to stop the smile forming on her lips. _

"_I'm in love with you too." She said, he grinned softly and leaned down to cover her lips with his. His hands traveled up and down her sides, he wanted more, more of her, more of everything, but he wouldn't go before she say she'd be okay with, like she was reading his mind, she grabbed his left hand and placed it just above her bikini's string, and let out a soft moan in his lips to let him know she wanted as much as he did, he pulled apart to look into her eyes, searching for any doubt, or sign of insecurity, she just smiled and pulled him for another kiss, however, he pulled away again, and engulfed her in his arms, carrying her out of the water bridal style, he walked all the way back to the house and dropped her carefully on the couch, hovering over her, she ran her hands down his chest, stopping at the waistband of his shorts and smiling softly and nervously at the same time. And there was the first time they made love to each other._

Kendall woke up scared, he looked around trying to remember where he was, and what had happened, he stared blankly at his wrist and thigh, sniffling and getting up to take a hot shower. "Last time huh," He whispered to himself. "You're so weak, you can't even keep a promise, even to yourself." He mumbled, while scrubbing the soap on his scars. He let the water run down his body, his tears falling constantly down his face, his life just got to the point he didn't care anymore. He just didn't care at all.

He got out of the shower and put on his boxers and a pair of sweats. While searching for a shirt he saw a shoe box of pictures and shivered. He knew exactly what was there, a a part of him knew that seeing those all over again would only do bad to him, but another part of him was itching to see them. He opened them carefully and the first one was him and his brothers, he smiled gently and put them aside, the following one was him with his mom, a tear escaped his eyes but still, he was smiling. He stared at the picture for a couple more seconds, and looked inside the box, one particularly called his attention, it was upside down with something scribbled in his writing on the back. "Lils, summer 2010." He turned it around to see her face, it was only her face, nothing else, it was the same say at the beach, her hair was up in a messy bun, her face almost full covered with her sunglasses and her shy smile, the one he loved so _fucking_ much.

_"Come on, lemme take a picture of you," He pleaded, she shook her head no with a wicked smile. "But you look so beautiful babe, please." He scoot closer to her, kissing her cheek softly. "Please." He whispered in her ear, kissing her sun kissed skin. She sighed heavily._

_"Fine." She gave the quickiest of the smiles and when the picture got snapped it seemed so natural, he smiled and looked up trough his sunglasses. _

_"You're gorgeous." He said, pulling her into a hug, their warm skin from being out on the beach. "I..." He nervously chuckled. "You're very gorgeous." He tried to change the subject and she smiled softly._

_"Thanks Kendall." She said softly, he leaned his shoulder and she rested her head there, staring at the vision in front of her, the bright blue sky, the sun, the sea, Kendall by her side, she could've never ask for better. "And thanks for bringing me here. I mean, the house is incredibly beautiful, this beach, is breath taking, and you," She straightened herself and looked at him. "You're perfect to me." She smiled and he rested his palm on her leg, she placed hers atop of his and they stayed there, enjoying each others company._

_"Don't thank me," He whispered after a few minutes. "I'm as thankful as you are here." He smiled and kissed the top of her head. She giggled lightly and kissed his shoulder, then his lips. They were so happy, nothing could rain on their parade._


	2. Chapter 2

That was only two months ago, that happiness, that feeling of being a teenager all over again. _Two fucking months ago. _Two months before he'd lose her, two months before he'd lose everything, two months before he's been dead. Now he was standing in the middle of his living room, the one that's been scene of so many encounters with her, the same one he got the worst news of his life.

"Why'd you have to go?" He asked, staring at the picture he'd found a couple days ago. "I loved you," He said while running his fingertips on the picture. "I still do." He sat on the couch and closed his eyes briefly. "I'll always love you." He whispered for the last time before falling into slumber.

"_Hey you're home!" She said happily, walking over to the couch and sitting on his lap. "How was your day?" She asked, running her hand trough his hair._

"_It was okay," He said, leaning his head on her shoulder. "I'm pretty tired, but it was great." He said with a small, weak smile. She frowned softly and kissed his head. "How about you?" He asked, looking up just to talk, and putting his head back on her shoulder._

"_Well, it was fine." She said, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "I got to interview today." She said with a big smile, Kendall sat straight on the couch and wrapped both his arms around her waist._

"_Lily that's great!" He said excitedly. She bowed softly. "Who did you interview?" He asked and she bit her lips with a smile. _

"_Guess!" Lily smiled even wider._

" _Who?" He asked again with a confused grin on his face._

" _Nicholas Sparks. I interviewed fucking Nicholas Sparks." She said almost bursting in joy. "Like, can you process this, I got to interview THE Nicholas Sparks, my life is made I'm not even kidding." She dropped herself to the couch and he laughed, kneeling between her legs and leaning his face close to hers._

" _That is so amazing, I'm proud of you baby girl." He said, kissing her softly. Lily's smile broke the kiss._

"_I'm just so lucky!" She said, walking her fingertips up and down his shirt. He scrunched his face with a smile. "I have my dream job, I've reached my goals, and I have the best boyfriend in the whole world." She smiled and he blushed softly._

"_What a coincidence. I have the best girlfriend in the world, we should double date." He joked and she laughed kissing him sweetly._

"_Yeah," She said looking away. "Do you want to eat something?" She asked looking into his eyes. He shrugged._

"_I... yeah." He said, getting up and taking her hand. "I could use some food right now." He said with a smile, she chuckled and got up, stopping face first in his shirt, he giggled and she did too, then all of a sudden he pulled his iPod out of his pocket and gave her an ear bud, taking the other, she smiled and leaned her head on his chest. Don't Watch Me Dancing started playing, Lily's shown him this song a few weeks before and he loved it._

_They both started swaying softly to the beat, whispering sweet things in the others ears, they danced a few more songs and went to the kitchen._

"_You know," She said while looking into the fridge to find something to eat. "Today I read something about doing the things you want now, because you might not be able to do it tomorrow." She looked at him and smiled. "I don't know, I just got this stuck on my head now. I liked it." She commented and went back to cooking._

"_Yeah?" He asked, she replied with a 'yeah' and Kendall got up, wrapping his hands on her waist and kissing her neck. "Maybe I should do this then." He said while lifting her shirt._

"_Don't you dare. You're gonna make me burn the food Kendall." She warned. He continued on kissing her neck._

"_I'm not hungry anymore." He mumbled._

Kendall opened his eyes scared, these memories were so real to him, he didn't want to remember anymore, as much as he tried, he couldn't move on. He just couldn't, Kendall was so lost in thought he didn't hear his phone warning a new message, but the loud knock on the door snapped him out.

"Hey bro." Logan spoke as Kendall opened the door.

"Hey, what's up man?" Kendall asked rubbing his eyes. He didn't want to sound wrong, but he didn't want to see anybody now. "What are you doing here?"

"I was just wandering around and," Logan said before a small pause. "I stopped by to check on you and to tell you that me and the guys are gonna go out today, wanna come?" Logan asked. Kendall out of all people knew how much his friends were trying to cheer him up, he knew it, he was trying but he couldn't.

"I don't know man," Kendall said while getting up and getting a bottle of water. "I'm kinda tired." He lied.

"No you're not Kendall." Logan said annoyed. "Look I miss her too okay, we all do but please," Kendall heard him sigh deeply. "Please come with us, no one here can see you like that anymore, it's killing us." Logan spilled, he didn't want it to come out that roughly. But he couldn't help. Kendall was also scared, he's never imagine his own friend would say that to him.

"It's killing me too Logan, do you think it's easy for me to wake up to a empty, cold bed every single morning, and worse, knowing she won't come back." Kendall breathed. "She'll never come back." He said and closed his eyes, the next words Logan said were like a bullet straight in his head.

"She's dead Kendall. I don't like it either, but she is, you have to move on. She'd want you to do it." Logan placed his hand on Kendall's shoulder. "I know you love her, and I know she loves you, wherever she is. I'm sure she's looking down at you right now, and she wants you to move on with your life, you can't stay like this forever." Logan whispered and Kendall looked down sadly.

"I miss her so much," Kendall breathed, just loud enough for Logan to hear. "This is so unfair." He said, Logan pulled him into a tight hug.

"I know, I know. No one should go trough what she did," Logan said, just then Kendall wrists came in sight and he saw an red, angry scar across the pale skin. "What's this?" He asked with a serious expression. Kendall tried to hide but Logan kept a firm grip on his arm.

"Nothing," Kendall said.

"Kendall." Logan said. "Why are you doing this?" He asked and Kendall scoffed.

"_Why_ am I doing this?" He said getting up with a fake chuckle. "Well I don't know if you've heard but my girlfriend's dead and I can't do nothing about it, maybe that's the reason why I'm doing this Logan." Kendall yelled and Logan got up hugging him, that's all Kendall needed, a hug, someone saying it was okay, but he didn't want to hear this from Logan, he wanted Lily to burst into the door and hug him, and kiss him and tell him it was okay.

They stayed a few minutes like that, Kendall couldn't hold back anymore, so he just cried, he knew that out of all people, Logan would be the last one on earth who would deny him that, who would deny his shoulder to be cried on. After all, Logan was his best friend, it was his job.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't snap at you like that." Kendall said apologetic.

"It's cool man, you have to let it out." Logan said with a small smile, "But if you want to apologize, you're gonna go out with us tonight. Just the guys out, having fun." Logan said, Kendall shrugged, knowing it was stupid to argue with Logan when it came to parties.

"Okay, but I don't want to be a party pooper." Kendall said, Logan shook his head.

"You won't be, I promise."


End file.
